A Brief History Of Swank

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With Sir Quentin Bender

The earliest reference to what we now term 'swank' came from the paeleolithic etchings in the caves of Kaya in Northern Australia.The drawing was a depiction of a hunter returning from a kill.The hunter had obviously been successful in his quest and was depicted wearing a platypus on each foot and had a frog on the end of a stick

But perhaps this could be construed as ebullient pride and not swank as such.The first true evidence of swank comes from ancient Rome.Shortly before being deposed in 475ad,emperor Romulus Augustulus had been observed by the senate wearing the seal of Rome on a keychain dangling from his waistband.

Swank had firmly established itself by the middle ages and during the renaissance, atists and scholars were given carte blance to swank freely during the hours of darkness.The first pro-swank law was passed in 1509 by Henry VIII. The 'WIDE AND GAILY TONED PANTALOONE ACTE' made it legal to wear attention-seeking trousers for the first time.Soldiers of the Crusades were said to have conquered the Baltic Lands attired in polka-dot pants with pink ribbons tied to their lances.

From the end of the Roman Empire to the end of the nineteenth century swank was predominately a male preserve.This all changed in 1905 when women demanded the right to swank.Led by womens activist Emmeline Swankhurst,a new movement was born-The Swankagettes.Thier activities were at first considered no more than a nuisance to the authorities.But when Swankhurst secured herself to the railings of the Houses of Parliament using a diamante neck-chain with an emerald encrusted pendant-the government was forced to act.Women were at last given the right to swank and by 1920 they were wearing excessive amounts of pearls and smoking cigarettes through long tubes of Bakelite.

Below Right,Emmeline Swankhurst after her arrest

In 1916,German mathematical Physicist Albert Einstien postulated his 'Theory Of Relative Swank' which for the first time established that swank was physicaly removed from mere showing off.He was first to link Swank with excessive income and emotional insecurity:

Einstiens Theorem :

:-( + $ = S2

But in 1930 the hitherto harmless nature of swank took a sinister turn.A mono-bollocked Austrian artist ,Adolf Hitler, began to embrace the notion of an empire of Swank-The Reichenschvank.Within five years of coming to power Hitler had assembled nearly six million swankers including his own personal bodyguard the SS(Schvankenstaffel).With thier swanky march and black uniforms,the Reichenschvank encapsulated the absurdity and inherent danger of swank.Hitler was eventualy defeated-and the era of swank was at an end.Almost.

The austerity of war had brought about a sea change in attitudes to swank.In the Fifties swank had all but been eradicated.The sixties and Seventies saw bold attempts to reintroduce swank into society(Peter Gordeno and The Young Generation).The now legendary speech by Politician Enoch Powell,which warned of 'Rivers Of Swank' may have been misguided,but reinforced the public perception of Swank.Indeed the fashions of the day,and the social climate of peace,love and freindship were to keep swank out of the National psyche until the 1980's. Two things were responsible for the resurgence of swank in the latter part of the 20th Century,the deliberate political engineering of aspirational materialism,and Don Johnson.The 'second riech of swank' was inevitable once car manufacturers had begun putting consanants like 'XR' 'GLS' and XJS on the back of cars.So it looks like this time swank is here to stay.Pointy sideburns and goatees have all but replaced friendship and equality.What began thousands of years ago with a frog on a stick continues today with the grotesque superficiality of a Ferrari full of flowers.

'Thwank'

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