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Q & A
With Dr Alisdair Kuntz Bsc. Icrs. Vd.
Q:I'm a little confused.What is the difference between 'Swank' and 'Swanque'? Is one more serious than the other?
A:There is a subtle difference between the two.SWANK is mainly confined to the speech,demeanour and clothing of the 'swankee'.Whilst SWANQUE on the other hand, is more concerned with 'third party' items such as shiny Range Rovers,small mobile phones with GPS sattelite navigation.And excess dogs in ones' Volvo.
Q:My fifteen year old son is attempting to grow pointy sideburns,though as yet they are no more than wispy floss,I am frightened that he may have caught swank.Please, please help me.
A:Although it is technically possible to catch swank from provincial DJ's, it is highly unlikely.To put your mind at rest,try the following: Wait until you catch him 'Checking his 'burns' in the mirror,then let out a stifled,but audible snigger.Leave the room immediately and issue a loud and raucous guffaw from upstairs.It may not be too late.
Q:I tend to chew chewing gum at an exaggerated rate whilst speaking into the GPS in my 5 series with my arm propped up and my head thrust backwards-am I in the clear Fella?
A: Please leave your name and address-I need to speak with you-urgently.
Q:I am a 79 year old pensioner,I lost my wife recently and my dear little doggy 'Chip' had to be put down last night.I want to go into town tomorrow to buy a new hat to cheer myself up.Would this be considered swank?
A:Of course it would you swanky old queen! Good God man,get a grip for Christ's Sake! Jeeesh!