Disturb The Ancestors

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The Chucking Skulls Of Hebden

It's quite fitting that we end this current series of Disturb The Ancestors in the magnificent surroundings here at the 12th Century Cistercian Abbey at Hebden ,set against the rolling beauty of the North Yorkshire Moors.

But this serene and tranquil place holds a tragic secret.In this specially extended edition we unravel the mystery behind the discovery of two poorly preserved skulls found at the rear of the south trancept.Who were these forgotten souls? Were they much loved brothers of this sacred order,buried within sight of the magnificent structure? Perhaps they were buried outside the walls of the monastery as a result of ostracisation, or they had somehow brought shame on their fellow Cistercians? Were they perhaps guilty of crimes against Holy Orders?Or had they simply been caught masturbating ?

Left,south trancept.Right St Barnabus of Hebden -motto "isteum breadcakes sim vino buttus nil masturbatum" (Breadcakes and wine ok-but no wanking)

The graves were carefully excavated and proved to be a veritable time capsule,landmarks of our heritage trapped within the earth.The lower layers,which contained the remains of our two enigmatic interns were rich in pottery,coins and monastic artefacts such as a magnificent cistercian ceremonial vestment emblazoned with the crest of this most noble order.Using spectro-analysis we were able to recreate the crest:

As we worked our way upwards from the tomb we discovered more recent artefacts such as a a sixteenth century clay beer flagon,an Elizebethan lepers nose box,and near the surface,a Watney's Party Seven , a 'Stretch Armstrong',and a Black Mamba Supa-ribbed with reinforced teat.

Lepers Nose-box

Along with the skulls,we discovered traces of timber and a quantity of bat guano.At last the story of these mysterious outcasts began to unfold.However,local historian Patricia Lipgrowth did not concur with our findings: " The skulls are probably those of travelling merchantmen who succumbed to one of any number of diseases which were prevalent around the turn of the eleventh century,they were probably brought to the abbey to be cared for by the monks,who were well schooled in the medical practices of the day"

My own oppinion is somewhat different-I believe that the skulls were those of wayward Monks,who were caught 'choking thier chickens' by the abbot.They were then executed by being force-fed huge quantities of bat-droppings.Thier skulls were then cemented onto sticks and the sacred order used them as 'chucking-skulls'.After evensong and singing practice,the monks would go outside and amuse themselves by chucking the skulls around in the manner of an olympic hammer-throwers.The sins of the flesh decreed that these poor wretched souls should forever be denied dignity in death.

'Chucking-skull'